You see them everywhere these days. Families with twenty or thirty kids. You could swear that last week at Mass John and Mary had only a dozen or so kids, but now they’re back this week and there are at least twenty! It’s not hard to figure out what is going on here. Clearly these are Catholics who have fallen into the rampant heresy of Rabbitism. It’s not their fault mind you. Rabbitism has only managed to gain hold because Catholics today are so piously obedient to Holy Mother Church that they insist on having more and more children out of fear for their eternal souls. All over you see people who just want to be good Catholics having dozens and dozens of children believing that their eternal salvation depends upon it. And we all know how preoccupied people are with their eternal salvation these days. It seems people will do almost anything to avoid going to hell.

Just when it seemed that there was no hope of ending this foul confusion, Pope Francis has today used the sacred office of the papacy to solemnly condemn Rabbitism once and for all. The official pronouncement came at some 30,000 feet above sea level on a plane returning to Rome from Manila in some unprepared off the cuff remarks given to a handful of reporters. As those familiar with the Church know, this is the present code language indicating that the Pope is about to make an infallible statement. At last the blessed words came thus:

“Some think that, and excuse the word, in order to be good Catholics we have to be like rabbits. No, responsible parenthood.” (see full article)

Darkness is thus dispelled by new light and consciences everywhere are now more at ease. Those outside the Church might question what the Holy Father means by “responsible parenthood.” However, because of the incredible job that priests have done teaching Humanae Vitae and St. John Paul’s Theology of the Body, all Catholics of course understand that “responsible parenthood” means avoiding all contraception, accepting children lovingly from God, and never allowing the selfish desire for material goods or status to tempt one to limit the size of one’s family.

So, faithful Catholics, you can in good conscience keep your families to a single dozen or so kids and need not fear for your salvation. Rabbitism is dead. Additionally, we can all be very grateful that the Holy Father has once again taken an often misunderstood issue and added such helpful clarity.